Be More Chill by Ned Vizzini

Author:Ned Vizzini [Vizzini, Ned]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781423141068
Publisher: Disney Book Group

Silence in my head doesn’t last long. The squip is back on and very much necessary as I stumble into rehearsal. Recently, I haven’t been concentrating much on my responsibilities as Lysander. I need the help.

SO THAT’S CHRISTINE.

We’re sitting in the front of the theater—squip’s advice. It says that if you’re in class or some other mandatory dorky place, you sit in back to show you hate it, but if you’re in something you’ve volunteered for, you sit up front to show you’re the f_ _ _ _n_ best at it. Mr. Reyes is going on about the importance of blocking and physical humor in “the work,” which is “the very pinnacle—maaaaaaaa!—of Shakespeare’s comedies.” The squip tells me a faulty squip might be making him talk like that.

I try to stay focused on Christine. Isn’t she pretty? I bet she doesn’t have an infected nipple.

SHE’S OKAY.

She’s two seats to my right, next to Jake; I don’t like sitting so close to her in these rows. It’s easier to be next to her in a circle, where the curve of our seating lets me eye her without turning my head. Here, I have to actually look at her to see her—and she notices.

JEREMY, WOULD YOU STOP WORRYING? YOU DON’T NEED TO LOOK AT HER. SHE’LL HEAR ABOUT YOUR EXPLOITS AND GRAVITATE TOWARD YOU NATURALLY, BECAUSE OF PHEROMONES.

Exploits? I don’t know if mouthing a diseased breast counts as an “exploit”…and what’s a phero—

Ow! Something snaps the back of my neck; I swivel to see Mark Jackson laughing fifteen rows behind me with his Game Boy. All that thumb work has given him some aim with rubber bands or staples or whatever it was. I instinctively reach for my Humiliation Sheet, then remember: the squip made me throw them all away. DON’T BE A COMPLETE SCHMUCK, JEREMY, it had said. THIS ISN’T A SITCOM. NO ONE WILL FIND THOSE “CUTE.”

IGNORE MARK. WE’LL DEAL WITH HIM IN A MINUTE. LET ME EXPLAIN ABOUT PHEROMONES.

Okay.

PHEROMONES ARE YOUR BODY’S CHEMICAL SIGNALS. THEY CAN BE ODORLESS AND COLORLESS, BUT TARGET FEMALES PICK THEM UP. THE MOST COMMON THING THEY DENOTE IS SEXUAL AVAILABILITY. WHEN YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF ROMANTIC ENCOUNTER, LIKE THE ONE WE JUST HAD IN THE BUSHES, YOUR BODY RELEASES ALL SORTS OF “JUST GOT SOME” PHEROMONES THAT FEMALES PICK UP ON. HOW DO YOU THINK GUYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS BECOME SO ATTRACTIVE TO OUTSIDE FEMALES THAT THEY’RE FORCED TO CHEAT? PHEROMONES.

Well, sh_ _! Can’t you make some of them?

CAN’T. NEXT GENERATION WILL.

Next generation of what? People?

NO, SQUIPS, OBVIOUSLY. I’M 2.5. YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY HAVE PLANNED FOR 4.0.

What about 3?

OH, 3 IS COOL TOO. BUT 4.0 HAS STUFF I CAN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT.

Right.

NOW LET’S DEAL WITH MARK. GET UP AND WALK BACK TO HIM.

Mr. Reyes has finished talking and some of the actors are going on stage to block a scene, so nobody notices me striding to Mark’s seat. The squip has a great plan, and I execute it perfectly.

“Hey, Mark, did you shoot some crap at me before?” I ask, standing in the aisle beside his row.

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